Friday, January 18, 2008

The Ron Jeremy Clause

Just call me a slacker, I went past the week mark, but it happens when you're a busy boy. Almost 2 weeks since we last met, for shame. What's on tap for this edition? We're going with the opening of Rob & Big, American Idol, Real World finale, the return of Cadbury Eggs, another road trip to Red Lobster, and all kinds of other things. Also, we'll discuss what in the world is going on with Snoop Dogg as of late. One thing that is tougher than most think is the order of what I'm going to ramble about and how it's placed in this space, but we're going wide open during today's action for you to read..

Of course, before you even read that, you're wondering the title of today's blog. Once again, we go to a voice of reason to provide this one. Last week it was MrsAnswer as she's flashing her money in Vegas, Jamie. This time around, it's The_Freak. You all know him well, but he still gets an introduction and the props for helping us out:

The_Freak (11:03:25 PM): I have a good Blog title for you if you're going to put a new one out.
Me (11:04:17 PM): Whatcha rolling with?
The_Freak (11:04:49 PM): The Ron Jeremy Clause
The_Freak (11:05:11 PM): Which apparently porn chicks have in their contracts that they won't rumble with Ron Jeremy because he is so ugly.

I'll start out with a trip to scenic Uniontown, PA. Yep, another Red Lobstah journey with the crew that rolled 10 deep. I know you're begging to know who all went. Even if you're not, you know I'm gonna tell you anyways: Me, Spank, Ozzie, Maria, The Fortneys, Cakes, Kari, Mills, and Mariah Carey. I'm always in for a nice road trip and this was another good one, especially since I just had to kick back and ride along to Ozzie's high paced driving, but I'm nobody to criticize someone else's driving skills since I'm horrible. I went with a new thing they have called Flavors of Shrimp. I loaded up huge on that one and it was pretty good. Spank brought up a pretty good point though. He was kinda fired up that he didn't get enough food (imagine that, he rips through food), but asked me to compare Red Lobster to Japanese hibachi style. No comparison at all and we both thought that. If you leave Japanese hungry, something is wrong and I even think the food quality is so much better. Still worth the trip, don't get me wrong. Fortney launched a biscuit (2nd straight trip we've left biscuits on the table, bad times) from the other side of the table at me and I fumbled it and it goes on the ground. Mills tells me to go for the 5 second rule. I wasn't shy to get it and eat it, but just as I was about to, our waitress freaks and tells me she'll get me new ones, doh. Time to set up another road trip with the crew.

Like it or not, you know you're an American Idol fan. Just admit it. I know it's cheezy, but I'm a big fan as most know. Well, we're back and time to report on Week 1 happenings! Tuesday night, the show starts out from the mean streets of Philly. I like Philly a lot, but it's somewhat of a dirty town in some areas and then the next street over is totally clean, I never can figure that out. Plus, the people tell it how it is and are dicks, but that's what makes the town. The first guy they show is Joey The Fat Guy, but he's no longer fat. He lost over 200 pounds and now is off to Hollywood. Paula cried at the second person they showed. He complimented her and was from Egypt. Melanie, a Taylor Hicks backup singer makes it. Singing wise, I'll say this Junot guy is the best so far out of both nights. He did some Elton John and it was actually impressive. Then we get this middle linebacker chick that is 16 years old and is a moose, literally plays linebacker for her school. Her story is that her mom is very sick and needs help breathing since she's so overweight. She bawls after they vote her off and all the judges walk her out. Alexis, this weird glitter girl, is the essence of Philly. She goes nuts on Simon and has the accent to go with it. Angela is this 26-year old MILF. Her kid has something similar to CP and brings a big family posse with her. She looks pretty good on first impression. Then we get this hot MMA (mixed martial arts) girl from Oregon that advances. A girl dressed up as a Star Wars character comes out and is weird. Brooke White has never seen an R-rated movie and went the last of the day and is right up there with Junot in my book.

Night 2 and we move to Dallas. Jessica, a former meth head (a la Jeff Hardy), has turned things around and is off to Hollywood. Bruce is 19 and hasn't kissed a chick yet, but it's his choice. Fingernail Guy has been saving his fingernail cuttings since the 8th grade. He brought the bag with him, strange. He advances though. Kayla Hatfield from Texas is one of my favorite characters so far. She got mangled bad in a car wreck a while back to where her face was obliterated. They fixed it up, but one of her eyes is messed up. She's happy all the time and the judges send her to Killa Cali. Katie from Houston is Simon's pick for the best so far this year. This goofy dude wants to be the governor of Oklahoma one day and his singing gets him to the next round. Colton Swon, sounds like a porn name, he's this big 18-year old farming hick. He rocked some George Strait and gets to go on a plane for the first time ever. I've never been on a big plane either, guess I'm missing out. A crazy amount of hicks they showed on TV this year, so if you like the southern twang, you're in. It's a love or hate thing, nobody is in between, but I've always been a huge fan of chicks with a big accent, good times.

The last thing of Idol deserves its own paragraph and rightfully so. Renaldo! Yep, you'll know him soon if you haven't already seen him. He comes out in this cape and has a hat with Simon's name on it. He created a song for Simon and the crew all ends up singing it. Simon says that song is going to be a hit, even though he's along the lines of a William Hung. They give him a no, but he gets the hugs and they dance with him. You MUST watch this vid to see Renaldo in action, he's good entertainment. Here is I Am Your Brother, and don't warn me for having this song stuck in your head for weeks:

Rob & Big is back! We open the new season with Rob being pissed that human turds are in the pool. They blame DJ Drama for doing it, but he claims innocence. They then bring in a lie detector guy to test Drama out. Drama passes the test, but they're still in search of who did it. A sidenote, too many commercials in the opener it seemed like. They hire a muralist to paint the bottom of the pool and he hooked it up big. They decide to set up security cams up and Drama tests it out. Rob shoots him with the net gun and that starts a net gun war. I now definitely want one of these net guns just to fool around with. They're that good, just to blast someone down and tangle them for no reason out of nowhere. Next week we get turtle races and off road action.

Onto the 2nd week that just went down on Tuesday. They go to the turtle races and pick one to race. They name him Black Bastard and he ends up getting rocked. Then they have an idea to go find a ringer turtle so they can win. They hit up a pond and find one and name it Speedy Claxton. They set up a turtle training area in their house. Afterwards, they go riding with motocross star Ricky Carmichael. He's out there doing his tricks, while Rob and Big are out there on scooters, making fools of themselves. It's time for Speedy to race and he doesn't do any better than their first. They're disappointed in Speedy and set him back to his home in the pond. The first week was much better than this one I thought. Next week we have them putting Mini Horse in a competition, that has to be good.

We've made it to the Real World: Sydney finale. It seems that by watching these seasons every year, that they end super fast. This one had that same feeling. This was an hour long episode, as they always are with the last episode. It starts off with the girls saying that Dunbar tells them he wants them all individually, but then dogs them otherwise. KellyAnne doesn't want to leave Cohutta and he tells her to come see him in Georgia. They go bar hopping and Cohutta finds KellyAnne grinding all over some dude and he gets fired up and asks her who she is going home to. She flips him off and Cohutta tells her that he's not going to chase her around anymore. KellyAnne goes to the bathroom and cries her eyes out like a baby to Ashli. Cohutta then calls the hick grandpa (who needs his own show), for his regular advice. She dives in bed with him and asks why he left the bar. He said she acted like a slut and she does the whole I'm sorry bit. They make up the next day, weird.

Dunbar worries about telling his chick at home that he got some off of Ashli. Dunbar tells Parisa that they hooked up and she didn't even know. She then does the girl thing and mentions it to Ashli. Ashli gets fired up at Dunbar and walks out of the bar. Dunbar goes nuts punching stuff and tells her that she's dead, launching f-bombs like my barber, that she can die on a bus, she's trash, etc. All of that, he's a character, sounds like some of my kids I have in class. He says she ruined his life. Go cry me a rivahhh both Dunbar and Ashli. You both couldn't wait to do it at the time and now it's like the worst thing ever, please. She goes to Dunbar for one last talk. She doesn't want to be known as "that girl" that gets some off a dude that has a chick. They hug afterwards, probably planned for TV. Parisa gives everyone little gifts that remind her of that person. People realize she means well and they all go back home, the end. Wednesday, it was reunion time for drama. I've spent too much time talking about this show that I'll just say that it was worth the watch.

I forgot to mention, but Cadbury Eggs have returned! Early too, I can't remember them out this early. Over the years, Cadbury should pay me some loyalties for plugging the greatest candy of all time in this very space. I should keep track of how many I eat this season, it'd be off the charts. If you're ever bored and money is burning a hole in your pocket, send me a bunch of those for a quality cheap present.

Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week:

Bird's Video Moment of the Week: Snoop Dogg, where have you gone? I want the 1992 version back, this one is just a little strange. Sure, we know you can do the pimpin stuff, but give us the mean gangsta vibe. Anyways, this is Snoop's latest, it's out there, Sexual Eruption: To get that out of your head, feast on Snoop at his absolute best: That's the Snoop I want back, oh where have you gone?

3 Quick Thangs:

1. Let's roll out some birthdays for Saturday, January 19th. NFL coach Dan Reeves, he's now 64. Dolly Parton is 62. Peg Bundy, another one of those famous people that is known more for their TV names than real, she's now 54. Tennis stud back in the day, Stefan Edberg, he's forehanding it for his 42nd. Comedian Rodney Carrington, he's cracking up for his 40th. "I'm a man! I'm 40!" Junior Seau, ready for the Super Bowl and playing linebacker for 18 years, he goes for 39. Yep, I said linebacker for 18 years, crazy. Chris Kattan, annoying comedian, 38. Shawn Wayans, big respect there, 37. Alyssa Milano, 36, dang. Actor Jake Gyllenhall, he's cowboying up on his 28th. Tanner of Full House fame, she's now 26. We'd like to hype up none other than #basketball legend and blog reader, Kasher, who goes for his 26th! Get it done big boy! What a list! A rarity! Usually it's a list of bums, but this is top notch right here.

2. Dad is a huge crossword puzzle guy. He's ate up with it and dominates those things, but he had a good one the other day. He's a guy that doesn't know how to turn on a computer and has no desire to do so. As he's filling out a puzzle, he asks, "Is there an enter button on a computer?" Now that's keeping it old school.

3. Next Wednesday, 10:00 PM.. Real World/Road Rules Challenge, The Gaunlet III! Don't say I didn't warn ya when you get hooked watching that show. CT better last more than one week this time. If he punches some bum in the face, so be it, don't kick him off, he makes that show. I watch entirely too much pointless TV. That was most of the blog this time, watch these shows.


TheAnswerDAL said...

Also throwing out bday wishes to kasher, and can an australian chick really be a dirty thug ho? If so, Im disappointed cuz I need my flava fix from the blog.

TheMrsAnswer said...

ok i am a die hard fan of your blogs BUT i stopped reading right after you threw a hate parade for jeff hardy. he is NOT a former meth head. just artistic. i'm now on strike. good day sir.

Kristen said...

Hey...quality bdays here...and nice blog! Great descriptions of the Idol folks, good stuff as always.

The_Freak said...

DTH's are worldwide. Worldwide DTH's.