I Can't Function

It's time for a random topic title. We go to the mean streets of Ravenswood and hit up Ashlee. She didn't come up with anything and said she can't function, so we'll go with that. Gotta keep everyone involved in the blog.. Now, here we go..

If there was ever a post that I had to search around for topics, this will not be the one. I'll have tons of things to mention in this one. Some I probably won't even get to. That's how busy things are around here and that only promises for a quality blog that we have in store. I guess I put pressure on myself there to deliver the goods in this one, so I'll see what these magical fingers can do for the readers..



First off, I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. I know I did, no complaints at all here. I'll get more into my Christmas as I write, but had to get the original greeting out there. Although I've talked to my crew who sent cards and gifts in the mail, I'm putting out a big thanks to everyone who was part of that tradition this year. It seems to grow each year and I get into sending out the cards and gifts worldwide. I'm weird like that of course.

I like to bounce all over the place, so I'll start things off on Thursday night. The setting was on Tank Hill at Posey's complex. We had a crew there and it was Nintendo Wii night on the new 56-inch TV Posey has, it rocks it out. Who all was in attendance? Posey, Scherri, Gavin, Cork, Ashley, Ashley's man Mike, and myself. We battled it out for about 6 hours. We started the night with bowling tournaments on Wii Sports. Wii Sports is ok when you play alone, but when you get a group of people together, it's amazing, no joke. Then around 1:00, most of the crew went to bed and it was left with me, Posey, and Gavin. We played tennis and it got intense. I'm talking about sweating and stuff. I know that's hard to believe, but if you've played, you know what I mean. Posey termed it Homosexual Tennis Hour. How so? We were standing there with our shirts off batting in tennis, trash talking, and screaming at each other. That sounds different I know, but we cracked up about it since we were dripping sweat playing this game. Around 2:30, Ashley wakes up and walks down the stairs and doesn't know what to think when she sees us. Classic. That and I'm sure we woke everyone up with us being loud.



Saturday I woke up at 3:15 PM, not bad. The day before, I got my last minute shopping done on Friday. It was packed, but luckily I hit the lines right and didn't have to wait much at all. That surprised me. Quick and easy at all of the places I hit up. People said I was crazy for going that late, but obviously I wasn't the only idiot out there.

Christmas Eve is tradition for our family. The crew comes over to crash at our place to get our eat on, tell some stories, watch games, and whatever else. This year we switched it up a bit. Well, the "kids" of the bunch anyways. That'll be the 20-somethings and we had some good Nintendo Wii action happening. I get enough of that in lately. We played mostly bowling as it was Cork, Alicia, Spank, Kari, Matt, Ozzie, and myself. I'm not the greatest on this game, just as I'm not great in real life bowling, but it's still addicting. My highest so far is 195, which I'll take. Spank has a 224 so far I believe and word has it that Scherri got a 244 the other day. Some of us got sore the next day is the funny part. All in all, everyone seemed to like the system a lot on first pickup. It was also good to hear from my cousin Zack that night as he was partying it up in Atlanta with the rest of our crew. He's wanting a Wii as well, but isn't having any luck getting one (Spank and Alicia are also in the hunt if anyone locally can help). We'll never grow up. 30 years old and still throwing our money to video games. We could be spending it on much worse is the way I look at it. Good times.



Santa showed up to the house. After Spank and Cork were the final two of the bunch to leave the night before, I finally went to bed at 3:30. I wake up at 10:30 to hand out my gifts to the parents and open mine. I can't complain. At this point, there's nothing major that I definitely need, but it still rocks the same walking down the steps that morning. I got some DVDs, Final Fantasy III for Nintendo DS (awesome by the way), leather jacket, tons of clothes, Celtics and Notre Dame gear, wrestling shirts and books, etc. Spank hooked me up with a nice UNC stretch fit hat, props to him on that. Cork brought a nice surprise as well, Nintendo Monopoly Collector's Edition, I didn't expect that at all, it's great.

Movie time! That night, for quite some time, we've been pumped to see Rocky Balboa, or what I don't get is why they don't just call it Rocky VI, who knows. It's Rocky VI to me and that's what I'm rolling with. I've heard mixed reviews on people who have seen it. Me personally? I'm biased towards Rocky stuff anyways, but it was excellent in my opinion. If you like the old style Rocky setup, you'll like this one for sure I think. Maybe I'm wrong, but at least give it a chance. Spank was big into it and I believe Cork liked it as well. The thing that gets me is that Rocky is 60 years old and jacked out of his mind, shredded, it's nuts. Antonio Tarver, a world class boxer in real life, wasn't anywhere near as jacked up as Rocky was in this movie, no joke. Go see this movie.



Anyone out there hooked on Rob & Big on MTV? It's some quality entertainment. There really is no storyline, but it sucks you right in. You got this little skater dude (Rob) and his bodyguard (Big) and their bulldog. They basically hang out and be idiots and they got a TV show out of that. And how is that addicting? Give it a try, it's awesome.

I haven't had a Real World: Denver update in a few weeks. What has been going down? Basically what we've missed in the past two weeks is this: Tyrie plans to meet two chicks at the same club at the same time, it equals drama of course. Stephen, Davis, and Alex all go skiing, the rest of the crew isn't interested. Tyrie has Davis' (gay boy) back at the club when some dude went off on him for being gay. The week after that, they ride around a thing called the party bus. Tyrie once again is involved. He gets all up in Jenn's face for basically being a drunken slut. Afterwards, Jenn admits she has a drinking problem and is crying. We all know how that goes. So far, it's been fairly good action compared to the past several seasons. We'll see if it continues.



Bird's Video Moment of the Week: Remember the old Wassup commercials? I stumbled across this one that I haven't seen before: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCahySrZooY

Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week: http://www.myspace.com/babygirl3100

3 Quick Thangs:

1. How are the birthdays looking? Thursday, December 28th: Baseballer Ray Knight goes for 54. Denzel Washington is turning 52. Mel Stottlemyre, Jr, another baseballer, parties for his 43rd. Tennis star Patrick Rafter, Happy 34th. That's all I have for this date that is worthy.

2. Today's Random Fact: Take your height and divide by 8. That's how tall your head is.

3. Sometimes it's tough to figure out what to plug in at the end of these posts. So that's why I often go to my buddies for help. I'm talking to Chrissy right now in the mean streets of Webster County. I gotta give her some extra thanks for the card she sent me. Not only did she do it big, but she sent a homemade card and put some intense artwork in it that was impressive. That's what the Christmas spirit is about, thanks again. :)

Birdie's Dirties

Credit goes to loyal Blog reader The_Freak for today's subject line of this post. It's explained towards the second half of this writeup.



Will this be the last blog before Christmas? You never can tell with me. However, I'm due since it's been over a week and people are getting on me for not having something released. I guess that's good to know that the readers are demanding more information from my neck of the woods. I got some fun topics to get into this time as I think there should be a little bit for everyone in this edition. We'll have laughs, some things you may or may not know, some serious business, and then whatever else the staff here decides is worthy of printing.

Here is a good spot to start. Last Thursday and Friday I was getting my work on. This time, it was out of my element, but I figured I'd give it a try. I got a call to work 2 days with pre-K kids. That's a room full of 4 year olds. A few days before that, I had 18 year old seniors at my old high school, some change. Anyways, I barely had a minute to sit down with these little kiddies. So I have to basically play babysitter. These kids are taking naps, need their shoes tied, and all of that. It comes bathroom time and here I am having to walk my boys to the bathroom and watch them try not to make a mess. They walk out and half of them need their pants zipped up, their belts put on, it's a chore. I never thought I'd be getting paid to make sure my kids weren't walking in the hallways with their schlongs hanging out, but someone's gotta do it. Not my cup of tea, but it wasn't as bad as it seems. They're funny cats.



Saturday night it was family time with the cousins. You can't go wrong with that. They came in from the mean streets of Atlanta. We got to eat the best homemade pizza there is (I won't argue that one) from my Aunt Susie and enough other bites to keep you full and then some. Deer jerky, cake, chocolate icing out of the tub, cheeses, that's quality. We got to watch the infamous video of my cousin Kari from last Christmas Eve that Matt saw for the first time. Classic indeed. And no, it's nothing porn related for all you freaks out there that would ask, so don't ask. After laying around and watching the Cowboys/Falcons game, it became storytime the rest of the night. I could make a blog out of just the stories there, but the Mafia type stories were worth it alone. Here's one I'll mention that I've always liked over the years:

My Uncle Sam, who has since passed away, was driving along and minding his business. Apparently, he was going way too slow and these guys started tailgaiting him. No biggie, that happens all the time. Anyways, that's when Uncle Sam had enough and wanted to get all violent. He reaches over on the seat to go for his loaded gun. Ironic enough that it's common for him just to have a loaded gun in the car like it's a meant to be. Instead of holding it up or something to scare the guys or even pointing it out the window, he goes another route. He points the gun to the rear window and blasts it out, shooting at the guys behind him. Yep, you read that right. He shoots his own window out to get at those punks. I guess it did the trick. We could go all day on that stuff.



How's the Christmas season going? I'm doing pretty good with my shopping, I have most of it done. Also, on Monday, I sent out all of my cards and boxes of things and they will be on their way if you haven't already received any and were on the list. I get into this time of year, what can I say? Friday or Saturday, I'll make my last minute adjustments and will have the gifts all bought off.

Here's a shopping diversion for a bit. I'm doing my thing at the mall and Wal-Mart the other day. People just need to get out of the way. They're barely walking and hog up the path and you have to wait. I do what I normally do. I call it my stadium charge (example being at a Pirates baseball game or something) and just barge through. I'm a little dude, so I can get through people going fast, so that's the plan. If you bump into them, so be it, they didn't get out of the way. I'm never mean about it, but I always walk at a fast pace to begin with, and then when these people get in my way, I speed it up more to get where I want. It gets to be a type of a game in a big crowd to see how slick you can be by slipping through a small space, bobbing and weaving Rocky style, and just making your way. Try it out in a crowded area. It'll make your shopping or gaming experience that much better. I guess if you're like 400 pounds, it won't do too good, but you know what I mean.



A new batch of CDs:

Akon: Konvicted. I was one that always said Akon is much better in a role as a chorus dude rather than solo. This one impressed me though as I didn't think he had it in him to release something like this. It's pretty good I have to admit.

AZ: The Format. If you're into lyricism, this is one of the CDs you need to pick up. It seems like a lost art these days to find some true mic warriors, but AZ is worthy if you haven't given him a chance ever.

Fat Joe: Me, Myself, & I. There are only 12 tracks on this album, but it's very good in my opinion. I've always liked Joe's stuff and he has a few collabos on this one worth checking out. The first is the one released now with Lil Wayne called Make It Rain (Wayne is also on The Profit). The other collabo is called Breathe And Stop featuring The Game. Benedicion Mami has a strong message, it's good too.

Ghostface Killah: More Fish. In the mood for mellowing out to some Wu Tang? Probably the most unique of the Wu Tang Clan, this CD is worth checking out if you're into his stuff. Some great lyrics and he features a big cast of characters on some of these songs. Josephine is the single out now with Trife Da God on it, very catchy. For some reason, Cappadonna is the only other Wu Tang guy on this CD.

Lil Scrappy: Bred 2 Die Born 2 Live. Some Dirty South music here at its finest. You won't get a lot of flow, but the beats are good and it makes for some mean raps. I've always liked Scrappy's work.

Project Pat: Crook By Da Book - The Fed Story. One of Three 6 Mafia's members. If it's impressive lyrics you are after, Pat isn't your man. If you want some head busting music then you know what you're getting here. It'll get you pumped up if nothing else. My personal favorite song on this one is Great Googly Moogly.



It'd be a lot of work, but The_Freak gave me some ideas to try a 2006 Awards Blog here soon. One of his creations would be entitled "Birdie's Dirties" as it'd be our yearly collection of the world famous Dirty Thug Ho of the Week. It'd give those filthy girls the space to honor them for being what they are. We know they're dirty, but we can't help but look, even the girls that read the blog even take a peek, it's true. So you have to respect that.

Bird's Video Moment of the Week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA (This was courtesy of a TyLaw find in #basketball. Give it a little time to get good, but it's a SNL type deal and it's the dick in a box. Enjoy.)

Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week: http://www.myspace.com/naynay_so_seductiive



3 Quick Thangs:

1. I was sitting at work today and dropped my sandwich on the floor. I'm sure it was filthy, but I manned up and went for it. Dusted it off and figured since it didn't pass the 10-second rule, I was going to eat it. Needless to say, it was pretty good.

2. It might get old to say it, but this is my space, so I'll say it: Drop off a comment in here. At the end of each post, you'll see a number beside "comments". Click that, write a quick message. Easy as that. I'm always interested in your thoughts on the Blog, whether they be good or bad.

3. Quick thoughts on Iverson to Denver? I personally think, even with AI's baggage, that he seriously wants to win as much as anyone out there. I also think Denver made out like bandits in this one. Enough balls to go around between him and Melo? Definitely. People crack on AI for being a gun, but look at his assist numbers, he gets it done. Sure, he's a gun, but he lights up assists as well and I look for him and Melo to be quite the duo. I'm excited. "We talkin' practice mannnnnn!"

Paul Likes To Chug

What's going on to all of my peeps out there? Things are fine and dandy as they normally are in my part of the world. I've been keeping along with having one blog per week and that seems to be going fairly well. I'd like to write a bunch more, but this is what we're rolling with recently. You never know when I might change things up on you all, so be prepared for the usual ride I take you on.



You know one thing that gets me? I'm not a bar guy at all, but if you go in one for 2 minutes, you come out smelling like a filthy dirty stripper or something. I don't care how nice of a place it is, if people are smoking in there and whatever else, you come home a mess. That's fine, that isn't my biggest gripe with that. It's when some of these people come home from partying like rock stars and they go to bed without getting a shower. Come on people, clean your self up. It's these same people that probably don't change their sheets on their beds for months at a time. I know I'm a neat freak, but that's my opinion on that subject.

The Christmas tree is up at my house. We got it on Saturday morning and things are ready to go. As a tradition at the house, we have to put the Larry Bird ornament on first and in the center. I mean, he's only the Basketball Jesus and a godlike figure, so he has to go in the center. Other than that, we have a ton of different ornaments with good meaning. I have a ton of sports and wrestling bulbs, then we have the old school stuff. I'll try to get a pic of the action once everything is official. I get into this time of year, maybe I'm weird. Also on the Christmas scene, the card writing process is going smooth. I hope to send those out late this week or early on the week of the 18th, either or. So if you're wondering when those are coming, just be patient. Santa Bird will hook you up if you are on the list. And if not, I'll say once again, hit me up with a message and I'll get you on the annual list, bird33@gmail.com.



Some were asking me where my Real World reviews have been. I'm not sure why I have been forgetting to get that in this very space, but now is as good of a time as any. Three weeks are down in the books and I'm as hooked as ever on the show. I'll give opinions on each character for now and then we'll add more each week. This season is in Denver for those who haven't started watching yet and there is a new day. It's on MTV, Wednesday nights at 10:00 EST. You can also watch it on the MTV website through Overdrive if you want to go that route and miss it when it comes on TV. It's time to give some thoughts on the people in the house this season:

Jenn is 22 and from California. She's a former Raiders cheerleader. As of right now, I'm classifying her as a fake. She's hot, but she's also a dirty slut. She stole Alex from Colie in one of the early episodes. Then we get Tyrie. He's the 23 year old thug from Omaha. He had a huge incident with Davis last week and scared Davis so bad that he went to stay at a hotel room for the night. This guy is all jacked up too. Third, we get Alex. He's 21 and from Houston. He'll be our resident drunk (then again, they probably all are) and pimp, or manwhore if you will. So far he's been all over Colie and Jenn both, even getting some off Jenn already. Up next is my favorite on the chicks side of things so far out of 3 weeks. That would be Brooke, who is 24 and from Tennessee. She has black hair, is smokin', and has the hick accent which I'm into. I'm sure I'll end up hating her in a few weeks for something, but who knows. Stephen steps up next. He's 22 and from Sacramento. He was the Howard University Student Body President and is a hardcore Baptist who hates gays. He seems to be controversial so far, but he'll have some good arguments for TV. Davis is 22. He's from Georgia and also Baptist. However, he's gay, and Stephen lets him know to his face that he's not down with that. Nice, we got some drama already. Now after Tyrie got all up in Davis' face, they're boys after making up and it seems that Stephen and Davis are able to coexist too. We'll see. Last, we get Colie. She's 22 and from Jersey. She's too skinny and is annoying with compliments to herself way too much. She wanted a relationship with Alex, but he pulled the "just friends" thing on her and then went to get some off Jenn. Now supposedly Jenn and Colie are girls and have put the Alex situation behind them. That's your quick recap. Confused enough? It's starting out to be a decent season, you better jump on board.



I normally go to church on Saturday nights (Catholic) since I'd rather not wake up early on Sundays. I've always been that way. Anyways for the locals, I've been going to Monongah's church some and my church in Shinnston some as well. This week I hit up Monongah. They have a priest from India who will be there for a while on a mission. He was interesting and did a good job. The reason I write about this was that I compared him to Kumar from the excellent Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle movie that I've hyped up a bunch in here in the past. How can you not pay attention to Kumar if he's preaching to you? My thoughts exactly. It's good stuff. And why did I put that in here this week? You know I'm random, that's why.

Many out there played the awesome Nintendo Wii yet? Anyways, there's some funny things happening with the remote for this system, the Wiimote if you will. It seems like the strap is either not being put on tight on their wrists or it just snaps off and causes chaos. Windows have been broken, TVs have had holes put in them, and kids have been busted in the face. You think I'm kidding? Well, I'm here to show you some proof of that. You're going to love these stories to see what all the Wiimote has damaged. So far, I haven't torn anything up. My buddies said it's bound to happen sooner or later as much as we get into games. Here is a link, check this out: http://www.wiidamage.com/



Road trip time and this one will be on my birthday, January 6th. We got a big time battle happening at Marshall University that day. It features arguably the best high school basketball in the entire nation (OJ Mayo) as his Huntington High crew takes on one of the nation's best ever b-ball programs in DeMatha Catholic High in Hyattsville, Maryland. Tickets go on sale for this on Thursday, with season ticket holders getting first dibs, and then our crew is going to load up and take a bunch of people. It's about 3½ hours from here or so, should be a good time. More on that over the next few weeks. It should be an easy sellout.

For the rap fans who have asked me about the latest with Thug Chuc, hold tight. It's still in the works, I just have to fit it in since me and Chuc are working on a few things with that about how we want the interview to go down. And like I said before, if you have some questions you want to ask him, email me up and I'll see if I can get it in. Just something different for the blog to branch it out a bit, you know how we do.



Bird's Video Moment of the Week: Thanks to Kasher of #basketball fame for finding this gem for us. It's a failed backflip off a vending machine and the guy gets blasted: http://www.thatvideosite.com/video/3658

Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week: We're going local here, one of the girls on 6'6" 240's (WV rapper) page. I don't know her, but I wouldn't be surprised if one of the readers in the area knows her. I'd almost lay money that The Governor himself, Clark Riley, would have an idea. http://www.myspace.com/kristaselene

3 Quick Thangs:

1. Let's blare out the birthday trumpets for Monday, December 11th. Nicki Sixx of Motley Crue fame is now 48. Former Pittsburgh Pirate Jay Bell hits 41. Willie McGinest of the Patriots is 35. Shareef Abdur-Rahim of the Sacramento Kings is 30. Maybe I shouldn't have done birthdays today, that's a joke of a list. In #basketball news, we have King Rahl celebrating his 25th, so wish him a big one if you see him online.

2. This part of the 3 Quick Thangs comes courtesy of The_Freak's findings. Dumb and Dumber: http://www.jayp.net/humor/dumb.htm. Lots of funny stories in here if you're bored and have time. I'll post this one from 1993 in Texas (like that Yvonne?) : "In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used."

3. It's time to start getting pumped up for Rocky Balboa, a.k.a. Rocky VI!

Goetze's Caramels

Another week in the books and we're back for some more action that you simply can't resist. What's in store for this edition? There's no mind blowing stories that went down, but that doesn't mean that I still won't be able to come up with something for the legions of readers out there. Or so I wish I had legions, hah, but I appreciate the ones that I do have, which is a good crew. As I type this, we're 22 days away from Christmas. I'm tempted to live old memories and make one of those paper chains the kids make that counts the days off. Snip a link off each day. Yes, I'm that bored.



Speaking of Christmas, Blog Headquarters in Shinnston is working from daylight to dark to get all of the cards ready in time for the big day. Once again, if you want on the Christmas card list, all you have to do is get a hold of me somehow. If not on the chat programs, just fire off an email to bird33@gmail.com. I also like to get cards in return, so we should be able to work some kind of regular plan here. I always say, you can't just write Merry Christmas on the card and sign your name. That's being totally lazy. You have to make each card different in that you write a little story or something inside to make it different than every other card you send out. I know it sounds weird, but I know you agree that you'd rather have an interesting card to read rather than some bum level card. That's what I'm here for.

What's up with my town and basketball? Take this past week for example. We get a big crew lined up and everyone is excited to play, even out of town guys. First, that doesn't happen often that it's this easy to get a crew in my town ready to play. Usually people are lazy bums and won't get out of the house to play for a few hours a week. Thursdays we're back to ball at The Lighthouse. Well, this week there was a Christmas bazaar in there. School Square has Jerry West going on, so no go there. Lincoln had some kind of fan fest thing. We considered going out of town and didn't have any luck with those places either. Believe me, we tried everywhere. For the locals, getting Big Elm back would be ideal. That's the perfect gym for us. Hopefully we're back on track this week though to play somewhere.



I was working away at my old middle school the other day. I had to cover a gym class since one teacher came in late. Anyways, since WV is a bunch of fatties, a year or two ago the state had a thing that lets all middle school gym classes in the state have access to Dance Dance Revolution. Yeah, the game. Well, it's a pretty good concept. I've only played with the controllers before, never the pad, but I got to see the pad the other day. You got some b-ball playing on most of the court, with some DDR battles on the side. The kids weren't like the little Chinese kids you see in the arcades who simply dominate DDR, but it's a cool idea either way.

On the Thug Chuc news, I hope to get that interview up sometime in December. That's my goal anyways. Just trying to bring something a little different around here every now and then, you know how it goes. If you got any questions you want to ask him, go for it, fire off an email and I'll try to get it in there for you.



Clipse: Hell Hath No Fury. This CD took ages to come out. It kept getting delayed and actually was supposed to be out a few years ago, no lie. These guys, as I've said before, are the best live rap act I've seen in person. A nice CD here, check Virginia's finest out.

Ying Yang Twins: Chemically Imbalanced. Some very good beats on this one. You know what you get with the Ying Yangs. You either like them or don't. Sure, they scream a lot and aren't lyrically as good as most, but I still didn't mind the CD and thought it kept the vibe going.

Bird's Video Moment of the Week: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1727681 (This is courtesy of my boy Cork. I don't know how many times I've watched this, but it cracks me up good every single time. It's a dude and his buddy rapping their McD's order at the drive-thru and screwing the people all up. Pretty creative I thought.)

Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week: http://www.myspace.com/ActionPhoebe



3 Quick Thangs:

1. I'm a candy freak, I can't help it. Candy this week sitting around my desk that I've been tearing up? Sprees, Blow Pops, candy corn, and the underrated Goetze's caramel things with the cream center.

2. How about some birthdays for Monday, December 4th: Game show host Wink Martindale goes for 72 if he's still alive and he's probably not. I'm too lazy to check. Actor Jeff Bridges turns 57. NBA baller who was king of New York in the mid 1980s, Bernard King, Happy 50th! Sergei Bubka, pole vault legend, he's 43. Marisa Tomei, one of my favorite hot older chicks, is partying for her 42nd. Cowboys receiver Terry Glenn, 37. Model Tyra Banks struts her stuff to her 33rd. My buddy Cassie down in Mississippi, Happy 22nd!

3. Just as I'm ready to post this, I see a story of this woman who tried to microwave her 3-week old baby. What?! And they said that it's "only" the second time this has ever happened in the US. It's happened before? That stuff doesn't even happen in movies, just dirty.