The Festivus: Wedding Spectacular!

Every so often the blog gets some pressure thrown around. This is one of those times and I've heard the request to make this blog a good one since a part of it will deal with big wedding action that went down on Saturday. Outside of that I'll talk about winning big bucks playing BINGO, chicks at the wedding, advice from Dad on who he thinks is the best husband/father out there, what Ozzie wants to do to people who smoke, the return of Harold & Kumar, Mario Kart Wii, and much much more!



I've said before that guys aren't big on weddings for the most part. I'm usually one of those that can care less and people probably know that about me. Saturday though was a wedding I actually had a good time at and wasn't hating life and wanting to go home after 15 minutes. No, I'm not saying that since it was a family wedding, but the setup was good times to be had for all. Before I get that started though, I want to step back to Friday night and bring about the good luck that I encountered while hanging out with old ladies.

What do I mean? BINGO night of course. In my early 20s or so, I'd hit up BINGO a decent bit with the crew. That shows how much there is to do in my area I guess, but you'd be lying if you said you didn't have a good time playing if you ever went. I get home from work that night and didn't have much planned. That was until Cork saved the day. He left a message for me to hit up big money action. I figured why not, it's been a while anyways. So with that, I roll to Village Square in Clarksburg (ironically, I'd be up there the next night too) with Spank in the ride and we meet up with Cork and Kristen.



My only complaint of the games were that they go way too fast. Also, if you aren't on your toes, you can get so behind that it's ridiculous. I talk enough the way it is and that made it tougher to concentrate with. For a pack of games, you're playing 12 boards at once. I'm looking around at these old ladies who can barely move and they're straight rockin' it out. To me, it's difficult to keep track of that many. I guess they'd say the same thing about video games, but I tried to hold my own. Speaking of, I saw this one woman who had to be at least 80 and was doing it up big on a cellphone. You serious? I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't really use one and here's this old fogey just zipping through it.

So we go to a non smoking room. That's a plus on the night already for that alone. Back in the day when we'd play, we had to be around dirty smokers with it burning our eyes and we'd get out of there smelling like dirt. Sorry if I offend the smokers, but that's always been my opinion and I've said that in here. Cousin Ozzie always gives the line about how he wants to take their cigs and burn it out on their eyeballs. That always had me rolling big time, it's a keeper for sure. It's demented, but you have to admit that's sort of funny, especially if you don't care for smoking. Down with smoking, my #1 turn-off. Anyways..



Three paragraphs of BINGO and I still haven't really got into the depth of this. Or as Snoop Dogg would say before he turned soft, "From the depths of the sea, back to the block, Snoop Doggy Dogg, funky as The D.O.C. Went solo on that ass, but it's still the same, Long Beach is the spot where I served my cane." That's a precursor to one of Matty Cakes' favorite all time albums. We'll get to him soon enough, he's one of the people that threatened me with death if I didn't produce a good blog this time around, so we'll see if that holds up. So I'm playing BINGO and not much of the action is left. It's getting desperation time and then I look down and I'm dominating a board. I'm down to the final number I need and the rest of my crew is starting to get pumped. I know they would've rather had a chance to win money, but they still had fun supporting me in my turn of good luck. The heart pounds and then O62 is called, sweet! I had to double check to see if it was correct and then got to yell BINGO as the old ladies got all pissed like no other. That's the best when you get the regulars fired up because some bum like myself comes in and takes their money. It wasn't a huge hit, but it still counts. It was a $100 game, but I had to split with 2 other people. Still, a story to tell and I'm willing to go soon in the near future.

Blare the trumpets! What for you ask? That's the sound you hear since Cousin Kari and Matty Cakes got married last Saturday. A thumbs up night for me as it was a wedding I actually didn't mind being at. Imagine that. There were a lot of things going on that helped the night go pretty well. First off, I know they're in Cancun while the rest of us hicks in West Virginia are working this week (must be nice, hah), but I gotta send the marriage congrats out to them in the blog and give them a nice shoutout. They really did a great job of putting everything together.



I was pretty impressed with the setup. The church they had their wedding in was excellent. It had somewhat of a medieval look to it and was crazy fancy with all of the stained glass and format of the building. Another plus is that the wedding and reception were close to home, so I didn't have to make a road trip out of it. Also, the wedding was a quick one, and even though I was roasting myself in there being insanely hot, I didn't mind one bit. I was a failure in one way though. Cousin Angie was going to take pics for Ozzie's girl Maria since she was in the wedding. Angie was behind a big pillar, so she turns to me and asks if I'd do it. How hard can it be, right? Harder than I thought. None of us in the first few rows could find a zoom on this camera. Then, half the pics turned out dark and the others when the chicks would walk up the aisle, I didn't have enough time to get anything good. Maria hasn't chopped my head off yet due to that failure, so I think I'm safe for now, especially since I talked it over with her and joked at the reception about it.

Then we get to the actual reception. Not only was the whole family in attendance, spanning from great distances such as the dirty dirty in Atlanta, but most of my closest buddies were also in the house. That makes things better for a guy that rambles on in conversation to just about anyone, so that gave me the chance just to walk around and find some good stories. The food, buffet style and it also was granted a thumbs up in my mind. The open bar wasn't a factor to me, but I know everyone else had a good time killing the drinks with that. By the time I left, I didn't see anyone make a total fool of themselves though. Even Uncle Bill, after months of saying it was the drunkest he was ever going to be in his life, was shot down and delegated to designated driver. That takes some guts to have to suck in the pride and be the DD, well done.



Spank and I, as well as the other guys there were scoping out the chicks of course. I mean, what else are guys supposed to do at weddings? We all had our opinions on a lot of them and while a few nice ones were there, we expected more younger dirty chicks our age to show up. That one was one few disappointments I had, as not many singles were there. There were some decent ones, but I thought the place would be swarming with half naked chicks as I wrote in the last blog. No biggie though, it happens and that didn't ruin things by any means. It didn't seem like a lot of singles were around for the festivities, but half of my crew is married already the way it is. Still, tons of time out there and I'll continue with the bachelor life for now.

As wrestler JR Benson writes in the great book, Extremely Strange, he gives his thoughts on when he turned 30. I'm a year away, but I still thought it funny: "Something weird happens when a guy turns 30. Suddenly, women are all over you. It's definitely something about a guy in his 30's. It is a woman's world for an attractive female in the 18 to 28 range. If she plays her cards right, most anything is possible, and the world is at her feet. But things even out, and men get our chances to thrive from 30 on. Now hot younger chicks were into me as the 'older man', yet sexy women in the 40's saw me as the eligible and wild young guy. Best of all worlds in the pussy department!" I might not have said it that brash, but it doesn't get more broken down and simpler than that, good stuff.



A few other final tidbits from the wedding before I move on. The reception was complete with the creepy DJ. That always makes for an interesting situation. He was familiar, but we couldn't place him, even with the name. Spank and I were bugged with where we've seen him at just recently and we both were going blank. Mom's favorite part of the reception was when my Uncle Jeff and Kari were out there doing their boogie together. Maybe I'm easily impressed, but that was pretty fun and Uncle Jeff gets bonus points on the style. And no, I'm not being sarcastic on that, he pulled it off. As an end to the wedding bonanza, blog readers Gayle and Cousin Jill may be happy to hear some wise words from Dad and he's selective on saying things such as this: Dad tells me that Gayle wins the Best Husband/Best Father Award and has a ton of respect for him. I have to say those words are about dead on with some high praise.

There's so much more I could push into this blog, but I'm going to save some for next week's version. You've kept reading for this long, so I have to get you waiting for more. Plus, we have our traditional bottom half of the blog's excitement to stir up some more interest, so we're not finished quite yet. Enjoy!



Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week: Earlier last week, regular ho chooser Jas sent me a link to a dirty. Unfortunately, the link is not valid anymore, so we have to go another route. She writes just now after I tell her that information and she says she has saved the blog. She's going on the freaky/weird type of chick here as she likes to pick on dancers: http://www.myspace.com/18666

Bird's Video Moment of the Week: We have another contribution from a long time blog reader. This is from ManDingo and he claims this as the best West Virginia commercial ever. Enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qKWMeWZtc4



3 Quick Thangs:

1. Happy happy time! Let's go for Friday, April 25th. We start out big and go with Al Pacino, one of the best actors ever, he's now 68. Talia Shire, better known as Adrian from the Rocky movies, 62, dang. Actress Renee Zellweger, 39. Basketball stud Tim Duncan, going after the title this year for his 32nd. There's only four worthy this time, but they're all pretty big names, so that'll work.

2. Next week I should be able to talk a good bit about the next video game to purchase. I should be loading up on Mario Kart Wii. I'm a sucker for any Mario Kart type of game and they never get old to me. This one looks as great as the past ones, plus the online part of this game appears to rock all. We shall see.

3. Harold & Kumar return! This weekend, you all better gear up and save some extra time to hit up the theater. That's right, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay premiers. I'm a huge fan of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, as it is definitely one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. I know that seems crazy, but you'll just have to trust me on how good the first was if you haven't seen.