Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Joe Dirt At The Toughman Contest

Our first post of February and we'll rock it out, or at least try to. January flew by for me, mainly because we had so many snow days at work. You just can't beat getting paid to sleep in and hanging out online most of the day. I like my job a lot, but when they pay me to stay home on these days, you won't hear me complain one bit. What do we have cooked up for you to read in this edition? You'll get the Toughman Contest on Friday, a controversial story from the show, a comparison to Russell Crowe, my thoughts on this year's ring girls, food, and what bugs me about windshield wipers. That's just a portion of what we'll dive into this time around, so prepare to get your reading glasses on, it's go time!

The 30th Annual North Central West Virginia Toughman Contest came to us from scenic Clarksburg, West Virginia. The setting? The Nathan Goff Armory, site of being able to say that I was in attendance back in the day to see Cactus Jack's (Mick Foley) first pro wrestling match. This year had the most entrants in the history of the contest, 100 in total, wow. We always love going on Friday nights because that's when you get half the bums who have no business being there. Also, you get more fights that night it seems. Before I talk about the fights, I'll mention what went down outside first. No, nothing crazy, but it'll set the tone. Spank was riding shotgun and we pull in to park. It was a mess down there and they wanted $10 to park. You're kidding me, right? You all know how I feel on the Wal-Mart Syndrome of idiots who search for hours to find that "perfect" parking spot. Not me. Get out and walk you lazy bums, you can be there by the time the idiots are driving around. Due to that, Spank and I decided to drive to the hospital and park for free. It wasn't much about the $10 as much as it was it being so crowded and it'd be hard to get out. That night it was freezing, but Spank isn't a lazy bum, so he had the same idea I did. We were roughly a half mile away from the armory to where we parked. In the cold, at night, we take off running the highway until we get there. By the time we get there, it was a nice workout and people had to think we were really the ones being idiots running out in the cold. Hey, we saved $10, got a good run in, and beat the clueless people driving around into the building, so I'll chalk that up as a win. We joked that it probably seemed like we stole something with us running like that.

We get there and had pretty nice seats indeed. We were on the floor, 6 rows back and our view was quality. The place was packed with the finest characters of Harrison County. If only we could've made a documentary on this stuff, it'd sell like hotcakes. We had a ticket mixup when we got there. Apparently, our row was double booked as they sold the same tickets twice. Ugh, go figure. This old man who was in our row was all fired up and stood around, trying to direct the crowd. I'm not going to waste my time figuring out the tickets, so I just sit down and claim my seat. One guy next to me (he reminded me of Joe Dirt) and his wife were that night's victims of my random conversations. To make a long story short, the old man comes back after they announce there are refunds for the ticket problem. He asks our row for our tickets so he can get an answer. Joe Dirt didn't want to hand them over since he didn't trust the old guy, that has us going good. Joe Dirt then tells the man that he's going over there with him to see if that's what he was going to do. They all come back and we keep our seats, yet the old guy and his clan got moved to better seats and refunded their money back. I guess that's what I get for not wanting to pay $10 to park in a muddy hole.

47 fights! That's how many we got to watch on this glorious night. You want something that you get every penny's worth of your money at? That'd definitely be a show like this. I think I could've watched another 47. This year was fairly tame compared to last, as far as the crowd situation goes. There were a few rumbles, but no great ones like I wrote about in last year's blog. Remember last year when the two chicks, just a few seats down from me, got into the fight of the night? This wasn't your average girl fight with them pulling hair, one chick got lit up and that had the crowd going insane. The good is that I didn't get beer spilled on me this year (last year I did) as we set the odds of that happening to 50/50. It's a shame how few of these guys come into this contest in any kind of shape at all. I don't think they know what cardio even is, I'd guess a good 80% of them were out of shape. That doesn't always mean they can't be tough, but many get winded in no time. We saw one guy come into his fight, obliterated drunk. Another redneck came in and fought in blue jeans. Keep those images in mind for the topic that I go off on here in a few paragraphs.

So many of you are wanting to know all about the ring girls, huh? Ok, we're getting there, be patient. I always have an opinion on the dirties that I see out and about. I find out that it's a hit with both the guys and girls when I talk to them as they also give their comments. I'm a pretty honest dude, I try to tell things as straight as possible. On the same side, I usually can get along with just about anyone and try to be as nice as possible. Opinions though, I'm usually not short of, especially in this space. This year we had four dirties as our ring girls. Two of them had no business being in. I'm sorry, that's just what I feel. If you're out there in the ring showing off your body, I don't think it's wrong at all for me to give an assessment, they want that attention anyways, so I'll respect that much in that they had the guts to get out there. Another girl (this year's winner) apparently thought it was great to put 30 pounds of glitter all over her body. What'd she do? Put glue all over her body and then roll in a bed of glitter? She did win the creative award by coming out during a few rounds in a Steelers bikini, that sealed the deal since it was Super Bowl Weekend and the Steelers fans were hyped up. Nobody puts a lot of thought into these contests though, you have to bring something to the table, so I'll give her that. None were what I would call gorgeous by any means and the thing that always bugs me (I guess I'm in in the minority here) is that they don't have much to their bodies. I've rambled about it many times before, but I just don't get the whole near-anorexic look. If you're going to get in a contest like this, normally you'd think they'd have something to shake or whatever to make themselves look like more of a fool? The girl that I liked best at least had a body, or her top half anyways was busting out, so a big thumbs up on my end. I'll be sexist here, but if you're an average looking chick and have a hot body, that raises you some points at least. If you're an average looking chick and don't have anything to that body (way way skinny), that doesn't do much at all in my book. Not being mean, I'm just talking out loud, not to offend anybody. It's just what I like, but each guy likes a different type of girl, so that's the beauty of it. Anyways, moving along..

Back to the fights. There was one knockout in particular in the heavyweight division that was just scary. We're talking big boys as this one 305 pound dude named Big Daddy was doing battle. He was actually losing the fight until out of nowhere he just crushes this guy. You see some knockouts, most usually of where the guy knocked out will be up before the 10 count, but be in no condition to continue. This one, there was no doubt about it though. The guy that got rocked, he looked to be dead. They had him on the ground for a good minute before he was moved. Lights out. They pick him up and when he's standing, they have to catch him because he falls back down. Big Daddy of course got huge cheers since the crowd is bloodthirsty. As a random sidenote, Joe Dirt and his wife fit right in with my conversations out of nowhere, they were pretty good people. All night though, him and his wife kept saying I looked like someone, but they couldn't figure out who. Out of nowhere, late in the night, Joe Dirt pokes me and is all excited, saying he figured it out. Mind you, this guy is about 50 years old I'd say. He says I look like Russell Crowe and then tells his wife the same. They were saying it's almost exact. Hmm.. really? I don't see that one at all. I always laugh at comparisons like that. So I'll add Russell Crowe to the list of people I've heard I look like over the years to go with Freddie Prinze Jr, Marc Bulger, Jeff Gordon, John Stockton, and the Blues Clues Dude. I'm not saying those are even close, but just what I've heard, you decide.

Now while the juices are flowing, I better tap into the topic that might be controversial. I'm not sure controversial is the word for it, but it is something that gets me soooo mad about my area. Granted, I love living in West Virginia and for the most part this state is awesome and I don't want to move. We do get some stereotypes for people who don't know us, many times those come true in certain places. That was true at the Toughman Contest. There was one certain fight that featured a black dude facing a white dude. It was an even contest for a while. As the whitey would land good punches though, the crowd started to go wild. I thought I was hearing things at first and then it'd pick up more and more as the fight went. Then, whitey knocks this guy out and I seriously thought the roof was going to come off the place. It was like they won the lottery or something, all jumping up and down and stuff. It was actually embarrassing to be a part of and my crew (Spank who was with me, along with Ozzie, Matty Cakes, and Cork who sat in another section) all had the same thoughts. I take a very strong offense to racist people, but sadly you can't change many people around here. Some people might take up for it, but I'm still going on record to say that there are tons of racist and ignorant people around here. Maybe one day West Virginia will stop living in the 1800s.

After the rumbles, we jumped into Cork's new pimp ride and the five of us headed to the hospital parking garage. We only have a few late night stops that are open that you can get food at. We decided on going to the FOP that I've talked about before, 24/7, can't go wrong. I ended up getting the steak panini with hot peppers that roasted me and they were great and cheesesticks. I didn't get my usual late night combo of pancakes and cheesesticks. While there, the five of us were planning out our next road trip. We're well overdue, so I'm ready to get something going, even if it's just a small-time trip. We discussed everything from the Baseball Hall of Fame (Cork and I have been trying to get that one going for a long time), a LeBron game (those never get old just to see how those fans treat him like a god), Boston, Atlantic City again (I'm not a huge fan, but have tried it twice), and I even threw out something random like Alabama for no reason whatsoever because it'd be different.

Saturday night it was time for UFC 94 at Posey's. He's got the great setup for a show and I always appreciate the home feel there when I go. As a bonus, one of the wild dogs was put in the other room and there was no noise all night. The Taco Bell dog was on its best behavior, even hanging on the couch with me. If they can do that, I'll be their buddies. If they bark their heads off, thumbs down. Kaiden was cracking me up good, dude has nonstop energy and was going strong till probably 11:00, same with Kierstn. Aside from the kiddies, in attendance for the festivities was Posey, Scherri, Jarrod, Jarrod's Buddy, Spank, and myself. I won't go in detail about the show, although I could. However, St. Pierre totally dominated Penn, but that's not why I'm writing about it. They both weighed in at 170 pounds on Friday. Their fight was on Saturday. Most fighters gain a decent bit so they can have some extra strength from what they cut for weigh-ins. St. Pierre was said to have fought from 185-187 that night. I can understand the retention in that during a day's time and the gain. The thing I don't understand, and I know these guys are on just about everything (even if they are tested), but how do you gain 17 pounds in a day and still come to the fight all freaked out and jacked up? St. Pierre was shredded like no other, you'd think there would be a little softness going, but nope. I'm in pretty good shape and all, but I don't think I could gain 17 in a day and be ripped up. Then again, I won't try either, just something to think about.

I had a few topics that I was going to crunch in during this post, but I'll save that till next time. One of those I can give a preview about will be what fires me up when playing XBox 360 online. It's not really video game related, so all will be able to follow along on that. It has to do with the types of screen names people choose for themselves on there. Other than that, let's begin to wrap this up..

Bird's Dirty Thug Ho of the Week: This one is pretty rough. Ok, very rough actually. Arizona Jas sent it partly due to a joke I assume. This girl has the dirty factor though, but not in a good way at all. This girl is just ugh.. http://www.myspace.com/karlao

Bird's Video Moment of the Week: This week's video comes to us with credit given to Corndog. It's a news segment of a guy bringing a snake on. The newscaster starts to hold the snake and then freaks out when a lizard jumps up on the snake. A short clip, but you'll watch it over and over, guaranteed.

3 Quick Thangs:

1. Fake rap beef always cracks me up. It's all part of the game, somewhat like wrestling. They don't usually "hate" each other, but it's still funny to watch. Now we have Rick Ross who is about as gangsta as Joe Dirt (even though I like Ross and he plays his character well) going at 50 Cent. They're going back and forth in retaliations. Ross started out with a song called Mafia Music and 50 comes back with Officer Ricky, Go Ahead And Try Me. Check em out, why not, they're good.

2. You want a snack recommendation? Go buy a bag of Lay's Honey BBQ Flavored Twists. They're tasty and once again, you'll be supporting the Dave Posey Fund, a worthy charity.

3. You know something that really needs improved upon? That would be the back window windshield wipers. They have cars that can practically drive themselves, but they haven't figured out a good way to make the back wipers halfway reliable? Why do they have to be the half moon wipers? Can't they come up with a way to get the entire glass so it doesn't streak off and look filthy? Just as bad as that would be the wiper fluid back there, it never gets the entire glass. Hold tight until next week..

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