Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The Hickory Stick

I haven’t posted since Saturday, but that’s ok. Never fear, for the Blog is here. I do have quite a few random topics to talk about today, so that’s always fun. I’m officially in Bum Mode with an 11-day break. Usually it’s more than that, but with Christmas and New Years both falling on Saturday, that hurts the time I get off. I can’t complain though. This past week of work was one of the easiest known to man. More on that in a bit.

For the wrestling fans, there’s no JR screaming action this week. This week was the Best Of RAW 2004 show. It was a nice show, but if you’ve seen every single week, you still mourn for a live show. Needless to say, that didn’t stop me from watching it as it happened and I taped it of course.

I first want to hype up a package I got from none other than #basketball legend, DerekHood. First, he sends a big Priority Mail padded package that is addressed from Keith Closs. For the basketball fans, you’re cracking up at the mere mention of Keith Closs, a former NBA sex symbol that all the ladies couldn’t help but resist. If you’d like to see Derek’s rendition of “Santa Closs”, check out this link at Lobstah:

You need to hit up Lobstah anyways or you might just get your head busted, slapped, hoodwinked, or even bamboozled. Seeing that the package was from Keith Closs, I knew the inside had to be some creative work of art. Inside there is a big bumper sticker of Derek’s Arkansas Razorbacks, with the Back just kind of hanging out looking all mean. Also in this package is the actual Christmas card that is becoming a solid #basketball tradition. If you missed out on a card this year, that’s your fault, I gave you a chance to hop along for the ride. Maybe next year. The front of the card has this dog peeking its head out of a stocking. The front of the stocking Derek put #balls on it and due to the dog, Derek put a Snoop doo rag (correct me if I’m wrong there Derek) that is dripping blood and says Snoop on it to show the Cripness. C-Walk to this. His words inside were as follows: “Dear Birdman, What’s crack-a-lackin in the Dub-Veezy? I looked and looked and couldn’t find any cards with the Snoopy D-O-double gizzle on the frizzont, so you’ll just have to pretend on that one. And now that I’m writing on this paper that’s whiter than what’s spilling down your throat… snow, of course, since you guys actually get that up there. Anyhow, Happy Kwanzaa. One. DHood.” The card itself says “Have a wonderful Christmas filled with all of your favorite things.” to which Derek ends with “Todd Day, Real World: Philadelphia, and of course a nice piece at Sarah Jessica Parker”. For those lost, I’m not big on either of those three. If you need to know more, get at me. Not only that, but Derek also sent a copy of The Echo (the paper he writes for at Pippen Land) and a copy of his writings. A picture of this hot basketball chick there is featured and it says “Graham graduates Cum Laude”. I guess it’s the middle school attitude in me, but that gets me laughing every single time.

This week at work, I did days as an Art teacher, Vo Ag, and I even played librarian for a class. I’m not sure what I’m worst at, anything artistic or anything dealing with shop related classes. I think I’m creative, but I just can’t draw at all. On the shop class, I saw the weirdest possible combo though. At ManDingo High, it’s a HUGE thing for the kids to play Unreal Tournament over the school’s network. They’re not supposed to play games, but they have the game hidden in folders to where the people who check the computer logs don’t know they’re playing. And when the teachers think they have it erased from the system, the kids hide it in another folder. Pretty smart kids there. If you don’t know of Unreal, it’s basically a Doom style game that is all kinds of bloody. They had that going on one side of the room and on the other side of the room was board game battles. What game? Candy Land. This is a game for wee little kids, but one chick gave it to another as a Christmas present that day and they thought it was the greatest thing ever. Since I was hanging out and watching the Unreal kids blow each other’s heads off and blood flying all over the walls, the Candy Land crowd conned me into playing a game. I’m still a kid, so why not. Anyways, 4 people can play and it was these two girls, me, and this so called problem child. He’s been on probation for four years, but is one of my favorite kids at the school. Those kids just need some attention if you ask me. I get along with them anyways. It takes a lot for me not to like you. He just gets a bad rap. But still, you have a teacher and a thug playing Candy Land. And I got paid for that? Dude. Sweet. Duuuude. Sweeeet!

Also that day, another kid had to drop some papers off to me from the office. He came in while we were playing and kept looking around and didn’t even realize I was there. He was about to walk out and I asked what he wanted. He said that I just fit right in with the kids. Half of them are twice my size and have full grown beards, so I can see what he means. Sad that I’m almost 26 years old and can’t grow a real beard. I can grow a dirty Razor Ramon beard if I have to, but I usually go with the babyface. As Beavis would say, “Damn I’m smooth.” I’ll leave the huge 20-pound goatees for Derek and Cork. It’d take me forever to grow that.

Last time I wrote, I had some new CDs, right? Well, I loaded up again. This time I was due for some weird stuff that I didn’t know of. A few I did, but once I caught myself in a Westcoast rap chatroom for download, I was hooked. I won’t give a huge preview, but here’s what I rolled with that is new:

DJ Kay Slay: Protect Ya Neck (Hosted By Ron Artest). Yes, that Ron Artest. This is a brand new mixtape, after the Artest fight and he talks a little about that. Not only does Rappin’ Ron do the intros, but he also has a freestyle on this CD. As with all mixtapes, there’s a ton of people on this one. If you’re into the Lil Flip vs. T.I. battle, check out Track #18, Fuck T.I. by Flip done to the beat of Lloyd Banks’ I’m So Fly.

D.O.N.: The Miscounted Soul. I know nothing about this guy, but from what I’ve heard since I downloaded, it has potential.

Dreamer: High School High. Another that I downloaded just to do it. It adds to the collection and it’s rap, so why not. This is the only way a lot of these types of rappers get their name out there, so I’ll support that, even if it’s free. It still gets them some street cred.

E-40: E-40 Presents Bosko That Fire. E is one of my favorites of all time. Give me some good Bay Area rap anyday of the week. This one features an array of talent too.

Necro: The Pre-Fix For Death. I didn’t know this guy either, but this is some straight up mean and demented rap. I’ll compare him somewhat to Tech-N9ne’s style.

Cork went to Pittsburgh the other day to run an errand for a buddy of ours. I was going to go, but I got a call at 6:00 in the morning, doh! That was Unreal/Candy Land day though, so I can’t complain too much. I just felt bad that Cork had to go up there by himself. He loaded up with more Nintendo 64 stuff though. What’d he add to the collection? Track And Field 2000 for $2 and Mario Kart 64 for $14. You can’t go wrong with Mario Kart. Even at that price, it’s a spiffy deal. Cork also got some rumble packs, something we needed to save our games. Nice find Cork. Possibly in the next week, we’ll be hitting up Pittsburgh so I can blow all kinds of money on old school games.

Today I went shopping in what pretty much finished me for the holiday season. I was proud of myself that I got most of it done. On my way to get my shop on, I witness a pretty good crash and bang wreck. Some dude just waylayed into another at a stoplight from behind. The guy he hit then kept rolling and busted up the car ahead of him. I was directly behind the guy who did the hitting, so I just swerved over and got in the other lane so I could get out of that mess. Get my swerve on! It was mad packed out there, but I didn’t mind it. You get to see some good sights and I took care of my business in a productive fashion. It’ll suck bad wrapping this stuff though, as I’m one of the worst all time present wrappers. Cork, we need that midget up here so he can wrap it up.

Usually I do this on Friday, but since my week is over on a Wednesday, I had to hit up Chinese food. I walk in there and they take care of me good. She says “sweet tea?” each time I’m there since she knows what I want. Then half the time I get a discount for being a regular I guess. I never complain. I always tip decent, so that could be part of it too. The way I look at it, I wouldn’t want to be a waiter or anything, so I try to help them out in the tip department. Most people don’t, so I have to represent at times. I don’t go crazy, but in a weird sense, it makes me feel good.

Through all of the shopping for other people, I had to treat myself. I got a new book that I’ve been wanting since I’ve seen ads. It’s And1 Streetball: All The Ballers, Moves, Slams & Shine. This book is over 200 pages of streetball information. Each streetball legend featured gets 5 or 6 pages to himself. Who all is on this? Alimoe, Escalade, AO, Hot Sauce, Prime Objective, Shane The Dribbling Machine, The Professor, Sik Wit It, Main Event, 50, High Octane, Helicopter, Go Get It, Half Man Half Amazing, and the deceased Flash. Oh yeah, Rafer “Skip To My Lou” gets his own chapter since he’s a streetball god. That’s not all folks. You get a detailed look at most of the popular moves you see these guys do. They take you step-by-step through pictures of some of these moves. That’ll be fun to try. “Ohhhhhh baaaabbbyyyy!”

Today marks maybe the first time EVAR that I went to Wal-Mart and didn’t buy a single thing. That may change. While watching the Celtics game tonight, Cork Diesel stops out during work and says he has to go later tonight. Of course I’m bored, so I’ll go for the ride after celebrating a big Celts win against the Knicks. After seeing 3 zillion commericials for Bod, the body spray stuff, I was curious and needed some anyways. Usually I go with Axe, but wanted to switch thangs up. I couldn’t find Bod, so I go with a new type of Axe. This cracks me up because it says Limited Edition on it and it’s called Relapse. I’ll have to beat the chicks away with the ol’ hickory stick. And speaking of the hickory stick, I have to end with where that one comes from. I can’t find the skit I’m after, but I guess the song will work. It has the hickory stick in it too.

Comedian: Adam Sandler – Song: The Goat Song -

I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe
Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad
I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can
Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"
So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!
Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end
But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief
To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."
Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw
At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"
The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!
"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"
"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again
I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock
He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck
Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat!


Susie said...

All I can say is "WOW"...this was quite the post! Enjoy your vacaion! ;)

Anonymous said...

YAY for Candy Land. I used to play that game all of the time when I was a kid. Now, we play life at college, and spongebob on the PS2. Lol! Have a great break, and don't stay up too awful late :)

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