Friday, August 20, 2004

Crunk Juice

I have a multiplicity of topics to jump in with today. Like the use of the big word there? I typed in variety at first, but since it’s the weekend, I wanted to bust out the thesaurus and go all out for you guys. As Smokey said in the thug classic from 1995, Friday, “I know you don't smoke weed, I know this. But I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job... and you ain't got shit to do.” And I really have nothing to do, but all is still good in my world. I’ve never been bored enough for the weed thing either, so I guess I’m missing out on that, but I’ll take my chances of finding something else to do. Since it is Friday though, that quote instantly popped into my head.

You know what bugs me? ESPN has been firing me up lately. One, they show the Little League World Series. Ok, that’s fine I guess. Still, it’s mostly mediocre ball being played by little kids. You can’t expect a whole lot else. They put crazy pressure on these kids and make them out to be stars when they’re really not. Every now and then some future Major League player will be on one of these teams (Lloyd McClendon, Sean Burroughs) and that’s all fine and dandy. Heck, these kids can throw harder than I can, so I have to give them credit in that aspect. Anyways, this year they decide to show the Little League Softball World Series. Are you seriously kidding me here? Don’t get me wrong, and girls will get fired up about what I will say, but here goes. High school chicks softball is brutal enough to watch. Now they want us to watch 11 and 12 year old girls who are 90 pounds? If that’s not bad enough, how about in the championship game last night, both teams (BOFTH!) scored in double digits. Nice defense in this one. At least in high school softball, you have one chick who pitches every game until her arm falls off and strikes out everybody for a 1-0 win or something (that’s another story in itself that I won’t get into right now).

I woke up today at 10:00 for a haircut. Me waking up at 10:00? Not too shabby. Or as our boy Max Kellerman would say, “ME!” Yes, I was in a coma. I got about 5½ hours of sleep, which isn’t bad, but got a nap later in the day. My barber usually has great stories as you know, but nothing epic went down today. Nobody was in there for him to cuss or go off on. We did get a nice talk going about the Morra Tournament that is held each year at the local Italian Heritage Festival. That’s always on Labor Day Weekend, so I figure I’ll check that out for some good food and great chicks. I asked who was in it this year, but he wasn’t sure. He said he wasn’t going to bother since they all end up being wasted and throwing bows, which is true. But either way, my town dominates the Morra Tournament every single year. Fear! Most of my uncles on the Italian side and also my Dad have been part of the winning teams over the years. What’s Morra you ask? Peep game:

After getting the hair pimped out, I gear up to roll to the mean streets of Fairmont with Cork Dizzle. Cork had to check on book prices for his classes, so I’d go along for the ride. Like I had anything else to do? Of course not. It’s been 3 years since I’ve graduated college and I felt like an old man walking on campus and a lot has changed over that time since I’ve been there. Parking is an absolute disaster. I’m glad I’m not up there anymore for that, but as far as the college experience, I do miss that since I was a bum 24/7. College is a lot of work, true, but don’t let people fool you. For the most time, you get to goof off, that is unless you’re a complete screwup and fail out or something due to partying. My grades weren’t awesome, but I did what I had to. I wasn’t working then either, so I had it made. Go to a few classes a day, come home and do nothing. Then again, I’m a bum these days too, so I guess nothing has changed, hah.

Once we’re done checking out the college scene, we roll to Pizza Hut for some buffet action. There was nothing out of the ordinary on the buffet, but you can’t really mess up pizza, so it was good for me. Ham on pizza does rule though, but today they didn’t have any stuffed crust out for us, doh! Then it was off to a trip to Vintage Games, our local old school video game shop. Cork got RBI Baseball 3 for $2 and Jeopardy for $5 for the regular Nintendo. I saw a Nintendo 64 for only $20, so I jumped right on that. I had a 64 for a while (it wasn’t mine, but my boy Spank had it over here for like 3 years, so close enough) and still have a good amount of games here, but didn’t have the system. I was due to get another one, so at that price, I can’t say no. And also, I loaded up on CyberTiger. That will get me in the mood for Tiger Woods 2005 on GameCube next month, a game I have to get every year. 64 is also home to the greatest wrestling game ever in WWF No Mercy. I’m always looking around for older systems for a reasonable price. Next up on the list would be a Sega Master System, Turbo Grafx 16, and a Neo Geo (although that’s pricey right now).

Tonight on ESPN was the finale to Stump The Schwab. For those not familiar with this show, it’s a sports trivia show. Does it get any better than sports trivia? I didn’t think so either. Schwab is ESPN’s stat guy and they go to him if they’re in need of stat information quick. What a job this would be. He’ll find something to impress you on each and every time. Two questions I really liked were: 1) Name the 5 members of the first Major League Baseball Hall of Fame Induction in 1936 and 2) Name the 6 quarterbacks in order of selection in taken in Round 1 of the 1983 NFL Draft and the team that drafted them. The baseball question was the easier of the two I thought. Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Honus Wagner should be simple to get. Christy Mathewson and Walter Johnson round out the crew. The answer to the 83 NFL Draft? John Elway #1 to Baltimore, Todd Blackledge #7 to Kansas City, Jim Kelly #14 to Buffalo, Tony Eason #15 to New England, Ken O’Brien #24 to the New York Jets, and Dan Marino (greatest QB evarrr) #27 to Miami.

Yesterday, The Bootyologist DerekHood ended the Madhouse with his gangsta lyrics. Thanks to the editors at The Practice Of Prattle ( for letting the Madhouse borrow a segment from esteemed author DerekHood. I’m using what in my opinion is a segment of Derek’s best work of all time possibly from his Blogs. Those who keep up with his Blog know exactly what I’m about to post here, but for those not moved enough from my plugs to go over and read his, you’ll feel the wrath. I’ll forgive you this time, so check out this story. The setting has Derek getting in from lunch and he goes back to work. At his desk is his boss and supervisor and they’re working on WebCT on his computer when he returns. His screen background has Lil Jon showing off his blinged out teeth with a can of Crunk Juice. Here we go:

Stretched full-screen, no less. So YEAHHHHHH!! Lil Jon is keeping a watchful eye over the two ladies. Well they got to wondering just who in the hell that guy is, so they called me up there to explain, leading to this conversation between myself and Sondra (the professor, a mid-50's scatterbrained lady with a thick southern drawl)

Sondra: So who is this guy with the rastafarian hair?
Me: That's Lil Jon, the famed rapper
Sondra: Ohhh, I don't really follow that. Where is he from?
Me: The Dirty South
Sondra: The Dirty South? Where is th..
Me: Atlanta
Sondra: Oh okay, so Atlanta is in the Dirty South?
Me: Yes ma'am, it is in the Derrrty.
Sondra: So that hair of his, those dreadlocks, do you know the origin of those?
Me: Uhh... no.
Sondra: You don't?!
Me: Nope, do you?
Sondra: Yes, (she's a history professor), they come from ... (some country), they used to grow their hair out like that as part of their religion. That's where the rastafarians got it from and it has been passed down.
Me: wow, interesting. Did you notice the can he was holding?
Sondra: Yes, I was afraid to ask what that might be. I saw a word on there though .. crunk?
Me (now taking a scholarly tone): Yes, that's Crunk Juice. Do you know the origins of crunk juice?
Sondra: No I sure don't.
Me: Well Crunk Juice is an energy drink created and endorsed by Lil Jon and his cronies from the Dirty South. It is meant to get you crunk.
Sondra: So it's loaded with caffeine?
Me: yes, and probably ephedra.
Sondra: so what is 'crunk'?
Me: well, crunk is a really versatile word. It has a number of applications. You can get crunked up, you can be crunk, you can get crunk (which is different than crunked up), you can attend a crunk party, and so on.
Sondra: so it can be a verb or an adjective?
Me: It can be just about anything you want.
Sondra: well that's neat. I'm so behind on my popular culture.
Me: That's too bad, you need some crunk in your system.

End of conversation.

You don't know how hard it is to keep a straight face when carrying on a conversation like that, all the while Matt is sitting back there turning purple trying not to explode in laughter.


J.D. said...

But can you name the two overall #1 picks in the NBA Draft from Duke? I knew Brand right off but I never would have gotten the other one.

Bird33 said...

I wouldn't have gotten that one either for sure. Schwab even admitted he didn't know the older guy they mentioned other than Brand.

josh said...

Bird, thanks for the love on the blog there. That was maybe the best conversation I've had in a long, long time. Just a small note, it's actually the Palace of Prattle, not the Practice of Prattle. But who's counting, right?

As for that Duke question, wow, uhh... I got nothin'.

DirtyKash said...

Come on guys, that's an easy one. The Knicks drafted Art Heyman out of Duke in '63. You guys disappoint me.

job opportunitya said...

Delightful blog. I devote my spare time just
looking for great blogs such as yours. I treasure this
site and will go back!
Please consider looking at my ar car charity blog.

Ut Utah House Cleaning said...

Excellent blog. It was so great and I bet I will
go back to it! I get to look online for blogs like
yours is a blessing.
Hey son, you need to check out my oh ohio house cleaning blog!